Eh?-Okay: The Magic of the Forty-Ninth Parallel

I know these absences are hard on my millions of loyal readers. Rest assured that when I take long periods of time off, I am doing so for the sake of gathering information that will help me write my next brilliant article. This will be one such article.

I’ve just spent a few months in Canada. It is, without a doubt, the greatest place I’ve ever visited.

You wouldn’t think it possible, but I swear to you on the lives of my future children that as you pass over the border you can feel a difference. The air is instantly cleaner, the ground instantly less littered, the people instantly less ignorant. All this is attainable simply by heading north, showing your passport to a half-asleep border guard, answering a laughable question or two, and continuing onward.

Truth be told, I was skeptical. After the last Canadian federal election, I assumed that Canadians had dropped their default liberal ways and had made a turn toward the Right (something that even France — France! — has done), because they elected fascist candidate Stephen Harper. I don’t know anything about Harper’s views or what he’s done since he was elected, but a conservative government isn’t a good one, no matter what it does, even if it does liberal things, which it never would do, because conservative governments are bad.

But Harper’s best efforts at turning Canada into a fascist wasteland have proven limp. The country is as liberal as ever. For instance, you can still get a legal abortion in Canada as late as the day you’re due to deliver. I’ll bet everyone has a good laugh when a woman, faced for the first time with the excruciating pains of labor, cracks and yells, “I changed my mind! Abort it!”

Not only is Canada as liberal as ever, it’s as anti-American as ever. Take the Canadian healthcare system, for example. Everyone has a certain amount of free coverage. The entire country suckles at the same teat, removing the chance that lucky or ambitious people get any kind of advantage. It is the only country in the West that doesn’t allow its citizens to pay for their own healthcare. This is the way it should be, of course.

The World Health Organization (WHO) recognizes the brilliance of Canadian healthcare. In 2000, the WHO released a comprehensive rating of 191 countries’ healthcare systems. Canada ranked a spectacular 30th, a full seven spots ahead of America’s disgraceful showing at 37th. Canada managed to outperform America despite the fact that a) America has the unfair advantage of spending more money per capita on its patients than any country in the world, and despite the fact that b) the WHO ranked America first in the world in terms of what should be considered unimportant factors such as responsiveness to patients' needs for choice of provider, dignity, autonomy, timely care, and confidentiality. Not a bad victory for a country of people who regularly travel to the States for better medical options!

A crazed few in Canada believe that government agencies sometimes result in inefficient bureaucracies, and that, to “remove some of the strain” on the one “overworked” healthcare teat, it might be a good idea to allow a privatized option to those who have the means. Thankfully, most believe that not only is this not an option (because it’s fascist), but that even if it were shown to improve healthcare for everyone involved (fewer people at the common teat would mean better and more efficient care, so the silly theory goes), Canadians would largely refuse to privatize for the most glorious of reasons: That would be kind of like what they have in America.

That would be kind of like what they have in America! Canada is a country whose identity isn’t derived from a common history or from pride in its role in the world. This is a country that decides what to do based on what America isn’t doing, whether it’s “beneficial” or not. You rarely see a protest in Canada that isn’t about something America’s doing.

Similar to the healthcare issue is the gun registry bill that was put into effect by the previous Liberal government. When introduced, the bill was supposed to cost around $119 million. Unfortunately, it has cost upwards of a billion dollars. And sadly, all the evidence that the registry has reduced Canadian gun violence has been suppressed. In fact, the fascists have even gotten to the head of the commissioner of the Ontario Provincial Police, who has come out in opposition to the registry, arguing that the money could be much better spent elsewhere, like on “anti-terrorism” measures. (Yes, fascists try to scare Canadians with invented enemies, just like they do in America.)

A lesser country might have scrapped a seemingly useless billion-dollar “disaster”, but not Canada. Even though Stephen Harper has tried to “fix” the problem by repealing mandatory gun registration, his bill has yet to pass in Parliament. And if it ever becomes a major issue again, I trust that Canadians will fight to keep tax money where it is: well spent on anti-American principles for their own sake. This way, responsible Canadians who are law-abiding and unlikely to commit gun crimes are forced to register their guns. They serve as an effective example and deterrent for the criminals who have unregistered guns and intend to commit harm.

Another beautiful thing about Canada is that you’re far more likely than in America to find fans of revolutionary leaders, such as Fidel Castro or Hugo Chavez. Indeed, it’s quite common in downtown Toronto to see brave and thoughtful college-age kids wearing Che Guevara t-shirts. These kids aren’t bullied by the crackpot notions that Guevara stood for murder, thuggery, and oppression. They know he stood for the uncompromising ideals that have given us the Republic of Cuba. Viva la libertad!

When it comes to the “War On Terror”, Canada impresses yet again. Canadian soldiers are fighting “terrorism” in Afghanistan, and yet an impressively small number of cars display a “Support Our Troops” ribbon. If it weren’t for these misfits, you wouldn’t know that Canada’s at war. The war itself is an issue of contention, because many Canadians rightly hold America and Bush responsible for the fact that Canadian men and women are dying in the defense of “democracy” and “reason”.

But undoubtedly the greatest thing about this glorious nation — indeed, what fuels all its other greatness — is the fact that “true patriot love”, while prominent in the national anthem’s lyrics, no longer exists. An unrelenting multiculturalism is the law of the land here. Canada doesn’t waste its time with notions of a melting pot that engenders a feeling of “community” and “solidarity” and “sharing something greater”. Immigrants, foreign-born Canadians, and second-generation Canadians generally identify first with their nation of birth or their parents’ nation. If you ever doubt the greatness of Canada, consider that immigrants who flee a country for a better life in Canada prefer to wave the flag of the country they fled!

Yes, Canadian-born citizens sew the Canadian flag onto their backpacks in order to avoid being tortured with power tools when they’re traveling abroad. If forced to make the choice, who wouldn’t take patriotism over torture? But otherwise, Canadian patriotism ends there. Some are too polite or caring to be proud of Canada, lest a foreigner take that as an insult to his or her country. Others just don’t really care either way.

And still others — the most sophisticated and enlightened — prefer to see themselves as “citizens of the world”. As such, Canadians understand among other things that average Americans are archaic and immoral when they vote for the leaders they like, or who have the same values as they do, or who they think will do the best job of improving their lives and the lives of their friends and family.

This kind of selfish voting is acceptable for Canadians, Germans, Australians, the French, the British, the Spanish, the Portuguese, the Japanese, and everyone else in the free world. But Americans who want to be serious and responsible should ignore their own lives and vote for the leaders they believe will be best for Canadians, Germans, Australians, the French, the British, the Spanish, the Portuguese, the Japanese, and everyone else in the free world, as well as those in the not-so-free world. It’s only fair: another price of being “great”.

Oh Canada, we liberals stand on guard for thee! And if there’s another Republican voted into the White House, we American liberals will look up your immigration website yet again and briefly consider moving to Canada.